Kai

The alarm.  I just woke up and I miss her already.  What time is it?  What time is it there?  Good, it’s about eight hours ahead of me.  That means she will be getting off of work soon. I can make breakfast and be nearly ready before she is finished and headed home.  It still amazes me that she is still on my mind immediately when I wake up.  I have not felt this way about a woman since my ex-wife and I were first together.  Even while we were married I felt intense love for that woman, right up to the point where I found out.  Sometimes I wish I never found that second phone, or all the messages and pictures on it.  But Kay is an amazing distraction from it.  In fact, I have learned to feel more and more since we began only a few months ago.  I was really numb emotionally for a while.  Quite an interesting process now that I think of it.  Playing a game online which leads to a romance that affects me so deeply is something that I wouldn’t have done since chat rooms began while I was in high school.  I have been so level headed for the most part, getting married to a woman I love, becoming a father to some delightful children, building a career that would miss me if I walked away.  Now I get excited from a time zone difference and a chime on my phone.  This divorce has changed me a little. 

Time for coffee and eggs.  I have a pretty big day ahead of me.  Several meetings and those final papers that say I am no longer a married man.  I might as well be single again, I live in a tiny apartment, with a tiny kitchen, and a tiny bedroom.  It is very minimalist compared to what I had before, but then again, pretty much everything about divorce does that.  That woman was the one who wanted all those things, the furniture and the knick knacks worth showing off.  I was just the one who had to provide it all.  Strangely, a person I have never met in person feels more loving and caring than that woman I just spent a large portion of my life with.  Change can be very good.  Now I feel like I am learning so much from Kay.  Like how to make my eggs in this completely different way that is spectacular.  I cannot believe that I didn’t know some of these cooking techniques that she has taught me.  I guess some moms pick up different educations from their parenting.  Kay learned how to cook and special cleaning techniques from which everyone could benefit.  That other woman on the other hand, learned what lighting makes her cleavage pop in a cell phone photo.  The latter doesn’t help me much now, while Kay’s experiences teach me something new regularly. Food by her instructions now make waking up every day worth the trouble.  

Showers have not changed much for me, more just what or who is on my mind now.  Kay is now a daily addition to my shower routine.  Especially after those photos she sent me.  Why anyone would cheat on that perfect of a woman is beyond me.  After having two kids and married for nearly as long as I had been, she really is a beauty.  I was shocked when that showed up on my phone.  Her kids were with their father that night and she had already had dinner with some friends.  She said later that she had a little too much to drink and was so embarrassed by what she did.  I on the other hand was in the office that day and spilled hot coffee all over me when I saw it.  One shirt and tie ruined for a memory and photo that I will last me a lifetime.  Since then we have exchanged a few more, I don’t exactly have cleavage so I’m not worried about the lighting.  I feel like a teenager again.  How much longer until she’s on her way home?  I should be hearing from her any time now.

I have a few important meetings today so I cannot work from home.  I know these presentations by heart so I’m not nervous about them.  I just don’t want to miss hearing from Kay. We talked about them last night though, so she knows that I have a busy day today.  I am so glad that I don’t have to fake my confidence anymore.  When I moved into my apartment, I was really just a mess.  I wasn’t eating.  I could barely sleep.  Walking into the office was an experience in facial recognition.  Never had I seen so many fake smiles and shifted looks, and I work in sales.  Most days were tough to come in and try to be confident and relaxed, but I made due.  Now with Kay talking to me every day, filling me with love and admiration, walking into work is like strolling through a park.  Everyone doesn’t look at me like I am wounded, they just see the same old guy that was here a few short months ago.  It truly feels glorious to be the same old me again, smiling and laughing with my co-workers, enjoying the jokes Jim from accounting has most days.  They all know something is up, mostly because I am regularly checking my phone or laughing at something Kay sent.  How do I explain that I have a girlfriend that lives on another continent?  How should I expect them to know how a person can feel the presence of someone who can’t possibly be there?  So when my coworkers ask I just deflect, or even outright lie about who I am talking to.  I am not yet ready to explain to them how I am falling for someone that I can’t even see, because honestly, it feels a little ridiculous.  Where is she?  I should have heard from her by now.  Maybe something has come up and she can’t text me back. 

All these new phone apps are a wonder.  I just give out an email address and now we are texting like on the old message boards and chat rooms we had as a kid.  I don’t even have to give out my number.  Then again, thousands of people playing a game on a little six inch screen is a wonder in itself.  Truly inspiring the world we live in today compared to even those twenty years ago.  Computers that took up a whole desk now sit in my pocket, and international communication is easier done through the internet than through an actual phone call.  I’m sure she will text me back soon.  I will just put my phone down and get my presentations done.  She will have texted me by the time I get back.  I hope this doesn’t effect my sales.  If I am not on top of my game these guys could all walk, and while it’s not going to kill my career, I will be very disappointed.    

These presentations are not going as well as I had hoped.  I am very distracted.  I have not had any time with Kay today and she is in every thought now.  I just need to clear her out so I can focus on getting through these meetings.  I wonder what’s going on with her.  Still nothing on my phone, no response in the slightest.  Its ok, just finish your day.  At this time of day she will be going to sleep anyway most likely.  Maybe she has had some phone issues and they just aren’t fixed yet.  Tonight I will hear from her for sure, or maybe tomorrow.  Broken phones can become a huge hassle.  The last time I broke mine, I lost three clients because information or phone numbers were lost.  It happens, and I recovered most of the groups that were upset by the mishaps, but I still lost three.  Just calm down, everything is fine.  Besides, now I am going to sign my papers to become single again.  I know Kay will be excited about that.  Maybe we should discuss a vacation together since I will be much more available now.    

Home.  Finally home.  And still nothing from Kay.  On a day like today I would skip everything and just talk to her, listen to her, be distracted by her completely until I felt better about my day.  She would encourage me and make the frustration fade away.  Even through a simple text, she could chase away my doubts and fears and make me whole again.  Today I am a wreck, all because I was distracted by her silence.  I hope she isn’t mad at me.  I keep checking up on her, updating the text thread with what I’m doing and where I will be.  I might as well be outside trying to yell it to her because she is either ignoring it or there is a problem.  Those presentations were all shot.  I don’t think they will buy anything from me this time.  Once I can get calm again I will try and get their business, but for now I need a drink.  Maybe I’ll get onto our online game that we play together and see if she has been on there.  I’ve checked in a couple times today but that game moves so fast that on a day like today I could have easily missed her.  This game is addicting.  I started playing it shortly after I discovered what kind of person my ex-wife is, and it has helped me stay sane a little.  That’s where I met Kay.  Somehow it came out about my situation and she had gone through it not too long before.  Pretty soon we started talking just to each other until a relationship had blossomed.  Funny how something like that grows out of a game mostly about attacking other people.  I still like to play this game, but many times I just log in so that I can talk to Kay.  We play together here, and I have been able to learn many things about her personality that maybe I wouldn’t have if we just talked on the phone daily.  Things like how fiercely loyal she can be and how fast it will happen.  How she is much more organized than I am, and just how caring she can be to people that she likes and trusts.  What a special woman she is, and how lucky I am to have her in my life.  I was concerned in the beginning, perhaps I am just another guy for this crazed internet lady who is a serial flirt.  Those girls are definitely in the game, and everyone can spot them quickly, but Kay snuck up on me.  So I let my guard down, by the time I was questioning her motives, she already had me.  Over time those questions proved false and I stopped worrying that I might just be some toy she plays with regularly. 

Still not here, I have played and waited, drank way too much, and she’s still not around.  Even though she should have been sleeping most of that time, I figured maybe I would reach her when she got up.  Its late for me now, I need to sleep.  Maybe in the morning I will find out what is going on. 

I can’t sleep. Why am I having all these strange dreams?  My mom left me at the grocery store or my first grade teacher teaching everyone else but me, are some very strange dreams.  I had so many like that when I did sleep or rather doze off.  My phone, where did I set my phone?  Still nothing from Kay.  Why would this happen?  I hope she is alright.  I wish I knew what is going on, but I don’t have any way of finding out.  She doesn’t really believe in social media.  I know she has them but they are all inactive with almost no friends on them, and she always liked the newspaper so she didn’t join sites for the news.  Sometimes she would take a photo of an article to share with me, so I just subscribed to her local newspaper online.  She said that she always hated being online and preferred the real world to the digital one right until she had so much more free time.  The game was really her first foray into the digital world.  Would she really just stop talking with me without saying something first?  I had tried to prepare myself in the beginning for the day when she would no longer want me bothering her but I think with everything we have been through I have earned at least a goodbye letter.  There is no way I am going into the office today.  Working from home is the better option.  Maybe I’ll try to get more sleep.  That should calm me down.  I am so worried. 

Too worried.  I’ll just play the game for a little bit to ease my mind.  That has helped before.  It is possible that she is on and I will be able to talk to her here.  Yes!!! I can see the chat bubbles there over her avatar.  That means she is talking to someone.  Those weren’t there last night were they?  I know I was drinking but I don’t remember seeing them.  Now for a totally cool and unworried question to find out what happened.  I wonder what happened and why she couldn’t respond before.  I hope everything is all right.  She must really be talking up a storm over there.  The chat bubbles are still there but she isn’t answering me.  She will respond to me eventually, I’ll just do something else to pass the time for a little bit.  I will never forget the day she found me.  I was out fighting someone that was way too powerful for me and she came and rescued me.  Together we were able to defeat the power hungry player and we began talking.  Initially our conversations were friendly but more professional in nature.  I have a sense of humor that can be a bit jarring for people so I try not to let it out too quickly.  Over time though we discovered we had a similar sense and began to joke and tease with each other.  Our relationship grew out of that.  It went beyond just two friends playing together online to much more when a friend of hers made her go on a blind date and she asked me which dress she should wear.  That red dress was stunning, but those eyes were what shook me.  I had never been taken by a pair of eyes like that before, truly beautiful and demanding of all my attention.  I was hooked in that moment.  It’s been a while and she still hasn’t responded.  What is her deal?  I can tell she is there, and she won’t even get back to me.  What have I done to warrant such a dismissal?  Fine, I’ll just get some work done.  I’m sure she will respond to me when she is ready.  I figured by now I would be on her priority list but maybe not, whatever, it’s fine.  I will just ignore her and she can seek me out when she is ready.

Not a dang thing all day?  I have been ignoring you all day, forcing myself to focus on work and still nothing?  The sheer number of texts from me is getting ridiculous.  Clearly at this point she is just ignoring me and I keep texting her.  I tried to ignore her all day and stay busy with my work and have been mostly successful at that, but now I’m angry.  I have been sharing my life, piece by piece with this person and she can’t even respond with something, anything.  Complete radio silence from her, all the while I can tell she has been texting other people.  Why?  Why would this woman abandon me like this, not so much as a “goodbye”.  Even if she had come out and said that I was the worst person she ever met and hated me, I would have understood that.  This, this is just wrong and far more hurtful than I would have imagined.  Why would any woman just leave like this?  What is wrong with me that I am unable to find real love?  Maybe all women are like this and the problem isn’t really me, but them.  I am tired of being hurt and alone.  I am not going to sit here and be taken advantage of any longer.  I am a good person and if that is not enough to find true love then I guess there is no such thing.  I’m done Kay.  No more being a nice guy for you or anyone else.  I will save my tears and my worries for something far more valuable than some woman that just leaves when they get bored.  I am finished with this game, with this woman and her different time zone and disappearing act, with caring for a person because they are just going to leave me alone again.  Delete this game, and these apps. 

I also need to cancel this subscription to a newspaper on the other side of the world.  No I don’t want today’s headline, I want to cancel this stupid subscription.  Wait, what’s this?  Five dead in massive car accident.  The accident was caused by a woman texting?  Oh God no.